Category / Caregiving as a Spiritual Journey

a cross drawn in dust
by karentwinem

Finding Peace in Dark Days

Note: This post also appears on my other blog mindfulchristianyear.com. Because loving someone with mental illness causes so many dark days, I also wanted to share it here.

Suffering is a given in any life. But, for some Christians, suffering is a shock. A sign that God isn’t paying attention. Or a symptom that they are praying incorrectly. The idea that a Christian life is all prosperity and popcorn is widespread … and wrong.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Jesus, John 16:33

How can we “take heart” when pain and sorrow, fear and loss take up center stage in our lives. God is omnipotent. God can do anything. God could fix this in a second. Why does He allow our suffering?

Jesus warned us that we would have trouble on Earth, but He encourages us to remember that He has overcome the world. In fact, He says “so that in me you may have peace” in almost the same breath. So what does that mean exactly when pain, sorrow and loss are center stage in our lives? And how do we get there? I believe some answers come from Paul’s words about his pain and trouble in 2nd Corinthians 12:6-10.

Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Paul, 2nd Corinthians 12:6-10

This statement makes perfect sense when combined with the idea of a God who consents to Satan’s request for test a person, as He did to Job (Job 1:6-22) and to Peter (Luke 22:31).

God knows that suffering develops humility, a true understanding of who we each are and who God is. Without this depth of awareness, we can’t be in a strong relationship with God. Our trials not only build faith and character; they also open our eyes to the reality of our existence

Jesus prays for us in times of temptation and suffering. For example, He told Peter that He had prayed that Peter’s faith would not fail. It’s notable that Jesus did not pray that Peter would not deny Him. He knew the terrible experience was necessary for Peter and for all who later learned about it.

The phrase “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” is not from the Bible. It’s from “Conan the Barbarian,” with the script slightly misquoting Nietzsche. Actually, suffering makes us weaker, which is a good thing.

Why? Because God wants people to see His presence in His Christians (and not just in Paul and Peter, either.) Suffering breaks up the vessel of our self-centeredness, our self-regard. A broken vessel displays the light of God’s presence within to others. Maintaining faith, joy and hope during a serious calamity is the best Christian witness we can ever give.

How do we do that? The good news is: It’s not up to us.

God tells us, as He told Paul: “My graces are sufficient for you.” I believe that this means that God will give us the abundant graces we need to deal with suffering without fear and anxiety, but with His peace and joy. All we need to do is be open to accept these graces.

I have found this to be true in my life. I open myself up to God in continual prayer and thanksgiving, using Christian mindfulness. God fills me up with peace and joy even in the hospital waiting room, in a locked psych ward with a loved one, at the funeral home, on the scene of the accident, in the board conference room and during the dark of the night. It’s not up to me. God is doing it for me and through me.

When we suffer and rest in God’s grace, God responds.

I will give you the secrets of darkness, riches stores in secret places, so that you may know I am the Lord, the God of Israel who summons you by name.

Isaiah 45:3

Kay Warren, co-founder of Saddleback Church, has called this experience “gritty grace.” Maybe the abrasion we feel is good for everyone.

alpha invite
by karentwinem

Ask Anything

Loving Someone With Mental Illness is a support group for friends and families of those with severe and persistent mental illness. Meeting twice a month on Zoom, we share our stories, learn more about dealing with mental illness and pray together.

During October and November 2022, we are holding a series of conversations about things we question in our lives. This is a judgment-free space to connect and process questions about things, such as “Why did God allow my loved one to get sick?” and “Does God heal?” These discussions are part of our Alpha series.

Here’s a video about the Alpha series.

If you’d like to join us at Loving Someone With Mental Illness, contact karentwinem@gmail.com.

This image of sunlight coming through clouds illustrates God talking to us.
by karentwinem

Talking and Listening to God

“Developing a conversational relationship with God” is the subtitle of Dallas Willard’s book “Hearing God.” Willard was a philosopher and respected Christian “teacher to the teachers” who went to be with Jesus in 2013.

Many of us who love someone with mental illness would like to speak with God. We want answers. And often we want direction.

Willard believed that God still speaks today. In fact, hearing God’s voice fits into the larger context of walking in a close friendship with him.

There is one caution: God speaks mostly to people who obey His teachings and want to do His will. Again: You need to be willing to do what God says before you are likely to hear his voice speaking to you.

As Jesus said, “If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be done for you.” Abiding in Jesus minute by minute through Christian mindfulness puts us in a position to hear God specifying His will. We become as Willard wrote “someone who leads the kind of life demonstrated in the Bible: a life of personal, intelligent interaction with God.”

Feasting on God’s word

The Bible fixes the boundaries of everything that God will say to humankind, Willard wrote. Indeed, God speaks most often during Bible reading and study. Have you ever had a verse jump off the page to you, even though you’ve read it many times? That is God speaking.

But this can also happen while listening to another person, whether it be a sermon or a conversation. I also believe that synchronicity can point the way to a message. If you hear the same verse repeatedly … in Bible study, in a sermon and in a book you’re reading … it may be God emphasizing something to you.

God also speaks through dreams, visions and events. But most of the time he speaks through a small, still voice that can only be heard in quiet. God’s voice comes in a spirit of peace, joy and good will. So God’s voice sounds like Jesus. And we can only know what Jesus sounds like through Bible study.

Seven steps toward hearing God

This summary may help you as you seek to hear God’s voice.

  1. Begin with a prayer in Jesus’ name for protection from evil influences.
  2. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you to listen well.
  3. Remain alert.
  4. Reject anything that is contrary to Biblical truth.
  5. Feel welcome to write down the thoughts that come for further study.
  6. Understand that real communications from God are:
    • Biblically sound
    • Glorify God
    • Advance the kingdom
    • Help people
    • Help you to grow spiritually
  7. Thank God for the time together.

Walking with God in Christian mindfulness is a sweet time of communion. We should expect that God will help us learn what we should know and what we should do.

treasure in darkness
by karentwinem

Discover Treasure in the Darkness

Several years ago, I went to a retreat for mothers with children who have mental illness at Saddleback Church’s retreat center. Rick and Kay Warren, Saddleback’s founders and senior pastors, know the struggle of parents who have a child with mental illness in an intimate and devastating way. Their son struggled for many years before the illness took his life.

Kay Warren, who led the retreat, told a story about having a dark, no-sleep night. She went downstairs to the office and looked up all the references to dark or darkness in the Bible. She found 25 pages of them in Psalms alone.  When she read this passage, she felt the Lord speaking to her.

“I will give you the treasures of darkness and riches hidden in secret places, so that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, who call you by your name.”

Isaiah 45:3 (NRSV)

This verse has haunted me since. Is it possible that those of us who love someone with mental illness can find treasures of darkness? I studied the verse more, and it gave me even more comfort.

The verse is part of a prophecy, 210 years before the fact, about Cyrus, who defeated Babylon and was instrumental in allowing the Jews to return to Jerusalem. God is talking about treasures of gold and silver that had been buried underground in Babylon.

So more than 200 years later, someone showed the book of Isaiah to Cyrus. He saw his own name and his actions predicted in it. Cyrus understood that his victory and these buried treasures came to him because of the Hebrew God. He decided to release the Hebrews because of it.

Why did God do this for Cyrus? He was a pagan. Some historians of the time wrote that he was haughty and cruel.  This much is implied: Cyrus may have undertaken his campaign of wars for his own motives, but God gave him great success so that the God of Israel could be glorified and the will of God regarding the captive Jews carried out.  When Cyrus read the prophecy, he knew that the Lord, the God of Israel called him by name.

God has called us by name as well. As our walk is deepened with Jesus, our character is deepened. In our situation, the sorrow is too deep for us to fake a relationship with God anymore.

From the Bible we know that not everything that happens in this broken world is God’s will. Just listen to Jesus in Matthew 23:37:

“Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, and you were not willing.”

But, as with Cyrus, God can work in difficult situations. God has hidden treasures in the darkness of suffering. Each of us has to ask ourselves: Will I surrender myself to God in the darkness? Will I listen?

“These trials are only to test your faith, to show that it is strong and pure. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold … and your faith is more precious to God than mere gold. So if your faith remains strong after being tired by fiery trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.” (1 Peter 1:7 NLT)

As we know from the Bible, every Christian experiences trouble. The question is how we respond. Sometimes we envy Christians who don’t seem to suffer much. But Scripture and observation can tell us that those Christians may not learn to depend on God in a deep way (2 Corinthians 1:9). Their faith may be shallow, and their ministry skills less developed. Pain produces love in a Christian who is filled with God’s grace.

God brings extensive blessings on those of us who suffer much. Bitter blessings, to be sure. But we learn so much about how God feels about his children. We know that God gives us joy and treasure, even in deep darkness.

During the retreat, Kay Warren pointed out that enemy of our souls wants to separate us from intimacy with God. Satan wants us to focus on our pain, disappointments, cynicism and troubles, in the night especially. He wants us to dwell on the hurt and to believe that God is not there for us.

When this happens, people run from Jesus. And some never find him. I have seen first-hand the people in our situation who rely on themselves and do not have a relationship with the Lord. It isn’t pretty.

So what is the reality of our situation? It is that our child is sick and God is present. We don’t know why or how it will all work out. We don’t know the eternal plan. If God tried to tell us about it, it would be like a person talking to an ant. It’s just not possible for the ant to understand.

We truly do not know the reality of our situation and how God is working in it. As Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 13:12 (NIV), “Now we see but a poor reflection; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”  1 Cor. 13:12 (NIV)

We do need to reject the voice of the enemy and establish even deeper intimacy with God. We can gather the buried treasures in the darkness.  I think these treasures may be the thing that Jesus called “living water.” God has put it there for us so that we have what we need to survive and thrive.

Bring your grief and loss, your hopes and dreams, to Jesus in prayer. Spend as much time with Him as you can. As James writes, “Come close to God, and he will come close to you.” God is hurting with you over your loved one’s mental illness. He is inviting you to come, rest in His presence and drink the living water and other treasures of the darkness.

To be in God’s presence, we need to be accessible (or present), responsive and engaged. You can use the acronym ARE to check in on yourself. This intimacy with God will carry you, and even give you joy and peace.

God invites us to pray for healing of our loved one, but we must understand that some other plan may be operating that we don’t get to know about. Kay Warren pointed out that the focus of our intimacy with God cannot be on the health of our children. What has to carry us is our intimacy with God. Your desire for God has to be great, whether or not you are suffering. Frankly, the only way to do that is to ask for the graces and the treasure necessary.

“Let the one who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on their God.”

Isaiah 50:10 (NIV)
exhausted caregiver
by karentwinem

Taking Care of You

As a caregiver, you’ve heard this analogy endless times: Put on your own oxygen mask before you help others. It’s true. Caregivers need times of rest … and reflection.

God urges us to rest in both the Old and New Testaments.

“Six days you shall labor, but on the seventh day you shall rest; even during plowing season and harvest you must rest.”

Moses, Exodus 34:21

“Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

Jesus, Matthew 11:28

God taught us that rest is a very important Christian concept. We are taught to be obedient in having a regular Sabbath, inclusive of all people and animals in our household, even when it’s the busiest time for making money. God gives rest as a gift to his people in this life and in eternity.

What’s stopping you?

The Family Caregiver Alliance reports that a caregiver between the ages of 66 and 96 who is experiencing mental or emotional strain has a risk of dying that is 63 percent higher than that of people that age who are not caregivers. Despite this scary statistic, caregivers are less likely than others to take care of themselves. The Alliance says that we don’t get enough sleep, have poor eating habits, don’t exercise, don’t stay in bed when we are sick, and don’t go to the doctor when we should.

If that isn’t enough, the Alliance says an estimated 46 percent to 59 percent of us are clinically depressed.

If you collapse, your loved one collapses. So ask yourself why you don’t take care of yourself. The Family Caregiver Alliance offers these questions to consider:

  • Do you think it’s selfish to put your needs first?
  • Do you become scared when you think about what you need? Do you know why?
  • Do you have trouble asking for help?
  • Do you think you need a treat (food, cigarettes, alcohol, a Netflix binge, etc.) because of your caregiving?

Pray through these questions with God and see what you find out. I believe it is God’s will that we take care of ourselves, but I know how hard that is to do. I fail often at it.

Rest and reflection go together

Many psalms, including Psalm 23, talk about rest in a reflective manner. As we are resting, we have the opportunity to look on our lives. Sometimes we are afraid to do that, afraid that the trauma of our loved one’s mental illness is too devastating. Afraid that, if we start crying, we will never stop.

That’s easy to understand. Yet resting and reflecting may give you more energy and more peace of mind for whatever you are facing when you do both regularly.

Taking care of yourself … getting enough sleep, taking a Sabbath, eating nutritious food and moving your body regularly … makes you stronger physically. Spending time with God makes you stronger mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Look for God’s presence in your life

A great way to pray is to look for God’s presence in your life. More than 400 years ago St. Ignatius Loyola encouraged prayer-filled mindfulness by proposing what has been called the Daily Examen. The Examen is a technique of prayerful reflection on the events of the day in order to detect God’s presence and to discern his direction for us. Try this version of St. Ignatius’s prayer.

Become aware of God’s presence. Look back on the events of the day in the company of the Holy Spirit. The day may seem confusing to you—a blur, a jumble, a muddle. Ask God to bring clarity and understanding.

Review the day with gratitude. Gratitude is the foundation of our relationship with God. Walk through your day in the presence of God and note its joys and delights. Focus on the day’s gifts. Look at the work you did, the people you interacted with. What did you receive from these people? What did you give them? Pay attention to small things—the food you ate, the sights you saw, and other seemingly small pleasures. God is in the details.

Pay attention to your emotions. One of St. Ignatius’s great insights was that we detect the presence of the Spirit of God in the movements of our emotions. Reflect on the feelings you experienced during the day. Boredom? Elation? Resentment? Compassion? Anger? Confidence? What is God saying through these feelings?

God will most likely show you some ways that you fell short. Make note of these sins and faults. But look deeply for other implications. Does a feeling of frustration perhaps mean that God wants you consider a new direction in some area of your work? Are you concerned about a friend? Perhaps you should reach out to her in some way.

Choose one feature of the day and pray from it. Ask the Holy Spirit to direct you to something during the day that God thinks is particularly important. It may involve a feeling—positive or negative. It may be a significant encounter with another person or a vivid moment of pleasure or peace. Or it may be something that seems rather insignificant. Look at it. Pray about it. Allow the prayer to arise spontaneously from your heart—whether intercession, praise, repentance, or gratitude.

Look toward tomorrow. Ask God to give you light for tomorrow’s challenges. Pay attention to the feelings that surface as you survey what’s coming up. Are you doubtful? Cheerful? Apprehensive? Full of delighted anticipation? Allow these feelings to turn into prayer. Seek God’s guidance. Ask him for help and understanding. Pray for hope.

St. Ignatius encouraged people to talk to Jesus like a friend. End the Daily Examen with a conversation with Jesus. Ask forgiveness for your sins. Ask for his protection and help. Ask for his wisdom about the questions you have and the problems you face. Do all this in the spirit of gratitude. Your life is a gift, and it is adorned with gifts from God. End the Daily Examen with the Lord’s Prayer.

Yes, the Lord’s Prayer does help us to put on our oxygen mask first. For Jesus loves our family members even more than we do.

content woman
by karentwinem

How to Feel Content … No Matter What

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well feed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Philippines 4: 11-13

Is it possible to have contentment … a peace separate from our circumstances … when we are loving someone who is mentally ill?  Especially when it is a spouse and your whole life is upside down?  When it is a child and their prospects are damaged and our daily lives are so changed? Or it is a parent and you have to parent them?

Look again at what Paul says:  “I have learned the secret of being content.”  Contentment can be learned with God’s grace. 

In fact, Paul had to learn it.  Paul did not have an easy life.  Here’s what Paul says about his line in 2 Corinthians 11: 23-29. 

23 Are they servants of Christ? (I am out of my mind to talk like this.) I am more. I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. 24 Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one.25 Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was pelted with stones, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, 26 I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my fellow Jews, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false believers. 27 I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked. 28 Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches. 29 Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn?

We don’t have Paul’s problems, but we don’t have easy lives either. To top it off, we live in a culture that wants us to be discontented. For many years, the marketers wanted us to be discontent. Now the marketers, the politicians and our neighbors with anti-everything yard signs want us to be discontent.

We already can feel like we got robbed. We see other people with normal kids, normal spouses, normal parents and a normal life. We feel envy. And we may think that God must have been looking the other way when our loved ones got sick. Or that God doesn’t love us as much as He loves everyone else.

Yes, most of us have head knowledge … Bible knowledge … that the source and strength of all contentment is God himself. Contentment is both a God-given grace and something we can learn. It’s not a denial of suffering or injustice. It’s an inner condition of our hearts that is cultivated over time. Let’s look at what contentment is and what it is not.

What Contentment Is

True contentment is inner peace and calmness. If you look calm on the outside, but you’re a frantic basket case on the inside, you’re not content.

To be content, you have to feel the pain of your suffering. God uses this to help us find contentment in Jesus. So, in an odd way, you have feel enormous discontent to get to the point where you learn to be feel content.

Contentment comes from within. You can’t distract your situation away. Or commit sin (such as sinking into substance abuse of one kind or another) to avoid it.

My church’s founding pastor Rich Nathan gave a sermon in 2004 that offered a three-part plan to develop contentment that I can’t improve on at all. 

Three Steps to Contentment

No. 1:  Acknowledge God’s sovereignty over your life. Practice surrender.

The Bible teaches that everything, even our loved one’s illnesses, have to pass through God’s hands before they happen. As Elisabeth Elliott put it: “Whatever happens is assigned.”

God’s power is unlimited, and he rules all our lives.

Matthew 10:29-30:  Jesus says, “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?  And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father.  The very hairs on your head are all numbered.”

Romans 8:28: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who live him, who have been called according to his purpose.”  We will never suffer trials unless God allows them and watches over them.

The most important example of a person who trusted God under terrible circumstances was Jesus himself.  Have we ever been in so much agony that we sweat blood over it?  Yes, Jesus understands how we feel.

And we learn things from suffering that we probably couldn’t learn anywhere else: reliance on grace, humility, perseverance, quality prayer, faith, trust, a real relationship with God.

Rich suggested that we engage in a spiritual exercise when we are upset about our life situation. That we say:  Just for today, I choose to believe that you are in control of my life. Just for today, I will choose to trust that you know what is best for me and for the kingdom. Like Joseph, I’m going to say that others may have intended what happened to me for evil, but you intended it for good.  You are good. Your will is good.

No. 2:  Practice thanksgiving.

Start being grateful for the littlest things:  grass, sky, trees.  Spend a day looking for things to be grateful for.

No. 3: Practice abiding.

This means that you connect with God’s person.  You can do all things through God who strengthens you, but you have to abide in God to do so.

Pastor Rich encouraged us to:

Breathe in the presence of God. Welcome the Holy Spirit into areas that you’ve been grumbling about in the past, areas where you are discontented, areas where you are frustrated. Invite the person of the Holy Spirit to come into that part of your life.

Accept God’s sovereignty.  Offer thanksgiving. Invite God into your situations and abide with him. Contentment will come.

by karentwinem

When God Feels Gone

 “The Lord has hidden himself from his people, but I trust him and place my hope in him.”

Isaiah 8:17

God is as real as the Sun, even when we only sense His presence half the time. As caregivers for people suffering from mental illnesses, we all know it’s easier to worship when things are great.

I have had times, usually during or after a mental illness episode in my family, when I feel that God has abandoned me … or doesn’t exist at all.

In “The Purpose-Driven Life,” Rick Warren, whose son died from mental illness, tells us that the deepest level of worship is praising God while you are in pain. When you thank Him during a trial. Trust Him when tempted. Love Him when He seems distant.

God can … and does … mature our relationship with Him during periods of seeming separation, often called dark nights of the soul. When this happens, we have to decide to continue to love, obey and worship God.

David had one of the closest relationships with God recorded in the Bible. God called the shepherd/king “a man after my own heart.”  But the Psalms that he wrote often contain his complaints about a dark night of the soul.

Psalm 10: 1 “Lord, why are you standing aloof and far away?  Why do you hide when I need you the most?”

Psalm 22:1  “Why have you forsaken me? Why do you remain so distant?  Why do you ignore my cries for help, Lord?”

Psalm 43:2 “Why have you abandoned me, God?”

No, God hasn’t abandoned us.  But if a dark night of the soul was this hard for David … and for Mother Teresa … and for Therese of Liseux, it will be hard for us.

God has promised repeatedly, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”  (Hebrews 13:5) But does God promise that we will always feel Him with us? No.

It comes on in many ways. One day you pray, and it feels off. You can’t sense God in your quiet time. You have your small group pray for you, but nothing changes. How long will it last? For Mother Teresa, it went on for roughly 50 years, with some breaks. And learning of this after her death in the writings she left behind … well, it shocked everyone who knew her.

Why would God want to distance Himself from Mother Teresa? Or David? Or you, especially as you struggle to deal with a loved one who has a mental illness?

Because He loves us and He wants us to deepen our faith. This dark night of the soul happens to most Christians, thankfully not usually for 50 years. But it may happen more than once.

When God seems gone, we have to make a choice. Either we say “I still believe. Help my unbelief” or we say “God is no good.”

Clearly Mother Teresa chose to stay faithful. That’s why no one knew about her suffering. (She even wanted the letters that contained this information burned at her death. But someone read them and kept them to share.)

You may think God is singling you out, punishing you. The dark night of the soul is no more your fault than the mental illness is. Sin does distance us from God, but this experience usually isn’t connected to any sin. Sometime’s it’s a test of faith.

In his book, “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality,” author Pete Scazzero calls these periods of distance from God “the wall.” He defines this as affiliated with “a crisis that turns our world upside down.” John of the Cross said these times can come to free us from our deepest sins, like pride, greed and envy.

But often experiencing this has nothing to do with sin. It is a test of faith to see if we will continue to love, trust, obey and worship God without a sense of his presence. 

So what do you do?

Scazzero mostly suggests that you keep up your spiritual practices. Warren has four recommendations:

  1. Tell God exactly how you feel.  Pour out your emotions. 
  2. Focus on who God is – his unchanging nature. : good and loving, all-powerful, in control, notices every detail of my life.
  3. Trust God to keep his promises.  Don’t be troubled by trouble.  When you feel abandoned by God yet continue to trust him despite your feelings, you worship him in the deepest way.
  4. Remember what God has already done for you.

In the end, I’ve always ended up like Simon Peter. “To whom shall I go, Lord? You alone have words of eternal life.” But I find my prayer life and connection to God grows stronger after each one of these experiences.

cup with words "be strong"
by karentwinem

How to Avoid Becoming Codependent

“It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him.”

J.R.R. Tolkien

This is true.  Caregiving for a beloved person who has a mental illness is so tough.  It’s easy for the situation to consume your life. You do need to take the issues of your loved one into your calculations about how you live your life.

This can make you codependent and a little crazy, or it can make you stronger and closer to God than you imagined.  Life will be better for your loved one if you avoid codependency.

Need to take your life back?

One of the best books of practical advice I’ve read is “Stop Walking on Eggshells” by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger.  It’s written for people who have a loved one with Borderline Personality Disorder, but the advice is good for anyone who is feeling overwhelmed by another person’s behavior. I’ve also used “Codependent No More” by Melodie Beattie.

These books and my own experiences are reflected in this post.

Caretaking is different from caregiving.  Caregiving includes the recognition that we have to take care of ourselves first.

Caretaking develops when the caregiver’s life has become unmanageable as a result of a close relationship with another person. The caretaker makes sacrifices that are unhealthy and unbalanced. When someone asks how you are, you tell them how your loved one is. You are trying (and failing) to control your loved one’s behavior. You think about your loved one obsessively. 

The truth comes down to two basic facts:

  • You are not able to control your loved one.
  • You do control yourself.

True Christian sacrificial love means that the sacrifice comes out of life, not fear or need. Take care not to spiral into another person’s distorted world. Yet you can still listen carefully to find out what the person is really upset about.

What they say may not make sense to you, but it makes sense to them. Using your listening skills, you can find places where you both agree. Not sleeping at night is hard. Hearing voices is scary. Being worried about being followed by the FBI and space aliens is also scary.

More information about the LEAP method of communications that, research shows, works best with people with mental illness is here.

by karentwinem

15 Ways to Abide With Jesus

Want to enjoy the presence of Jesus in your life as a caregiver?  Here’s 15 steps to help you get there.

  1. Try a daily prayer of surrender. “Today, this is Your day… Today, I am Yours… May Your Spirit lead, guide and prompt me throughout my day… May I be sensitive to Your prompting and respond accordingly… Today, I surrender my life to You…
  2. Read a short section of Scripture or a devotional book as often as you eat.
  3. Pray Bible verses. Even if it’s just a few verses, pray the Bible back to God.  This is easier if you put up Bible verses around the house. That can be in framed calligraphy, a perpetual calendar of Biblical thoughts or simple Post-it notes.
  4. Be in the day with a plan and the willingness to disregard the plan to respond to what God allows.
  5. Keep focused on what you are doing. When you walk with Jesus, everything you do can be a prayer. This is where the practice of Christian mindfulness comes in.
  6. Listen to yourself and be compassionate. Overcoming restlessness and the need to focus on the trivial to avoid the pain of grief is a problem that I have, and I think many others who are caregivers of people with mental illness have as well. The Three Things exercise can help you to focus your attention, reduce restlessness and add calm: Stretch or drink some water. Note three things you see, three thinks you hear and three feelings you have. 
  7. Refocus during transitions. Try to center yourself as you move from place to place, from event to event. You can say:  I am calm, peaceful and aware of the presence of God as I enter this home/door/time/event.
  8. Carry on a conversation with God and try to make it continual.
  9. When you run out of words, say the Jesus prayer. Using a “Jesus” prayer when you need to calm down or you are in a situation in which you would just look at your phone helps. You can pray “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus” over and over.  I use “Come Holy Spirit.”  It’s also a nice way to go to sleep at night.
  10. Stop to praise God. 
  11. Be a “yes” to all that is in God and to each circumstance and person who comes into our lives. Have faith that God is at work even in horrible circumstances. We should look at all circumstances, environments, and even all persons as coming through God’s hands so we can serve Him. This is the “good” that all things work for as mentioned in Romans 8:28: 28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Acceptance of this kind makes caregiving less depleting and exhausting.It’s so challenging, but you can accept the reality of the circumstance and not argue in your mind that it should be different.  Second, you also need listen to yourself rather than taking a treat (food, a drink or a nap). Acceptance is not the same as being happy in sad circumstances. You cannot pretend everything is fine, because your mind knows it’s not. Accepting that everything is not fine, but it is impossible for you to change allows you to offer more empathy without draining excessive energy. We are not in heaven yet, and bad things happen in a fallen world.  God is still present and wants to abide in you.  The joy of the Lord is your strength.  Follow an energy draining situation with an energy builder such as reading, meditation, pray, eating something healthy and tasty.
  12. In everything give thanks. 
  13. Think on these things. Philippians 4:8:Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. I made up a phrase to help me remember this: The normal real person likes an excellent pizza. (true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy).  This helps me to do a thought check when I seem to be on the wrong track.
  14. Give yourself a GIFT list.The GIFT list idea originated with Pam Young and Peggy Jones, and I adapted it to give myself something else to think about. I keep the daily list with my to-dos. GIFT stands for: Grace, Imagination, Focus and Thanksgiving.  I ask for a Grace from the list of the fruits of the Holy Spirit (love, joy, peace, patients, kindness, goodness, righteousness, gentleness and self-control). For Imagination, I pick a virtue and image how I could incorporate that virtue into my day.  Focus is the day’s predominate activities.  (Attending meetings, writing, planning, cleaning, making things, running errands, enjoying the family, taking a Sabbath, etc.)  And Thanksgiving is a gratitude list I fill out as the day goes on.  When my mind goes on a tear, I deliberately turn it back to the Grace, Imagination or Focus of the day.
  15. Summon up your courage and pray the welcoming prayer. This is the scariest prayer I’ve ever prayed: Welcome, welcome, welcome. I welcome everything that comes to me today because I know it’s for my healing. I welcome all thoughts, feelings, emotions, persons, situations and conditions. I let go of my desire for power and control.  I let go of my desire for affection, esteem, approval and pleasure. I let go of my desire for survival and security. I let go of my desire to change any situation, condition, person or myself.  I open t the love and presence of God and God’s action within. 

This practice of the presence of God, somewhat difficult in the beginning, when practiced faithfully, secretly brings about marvelous effects in the soul, draws down the abundance of God’s grace upon it, and leads it imperceptibly to this simple awareness, to this loving view of God present everywhere, which is the holiest, the surest, the easiest, and the most efficacious form of prayer. People who lean on Jesus know things that other people don’t know.

 

by karentwinem

The Aim of Christian Meditation and Mindfulness

The prayer of the presence of Jesus and Christian mindfulness are two parts of a whole:  the experience of abiding in Jesus.

In their book “Practicing the Prayer of Presence,”  Adrian van Kaan and Susan Muto wrote:  “The best way to cope with suffering is not stoic indifference or pessimistic complaints, but constant conversation with God in all matters, great or small, at all times and in all places.

“A deeper way of learning to pray is to try to live in the presence of God. This is the beginning of always praying as the Gospels and St. Paul recommend. We try in a relaxed way to become aware of His Presence all the time we are awake. We need the grace of quiet concentration and perseverance to develop this habit.

“If we practice the prayer of Presence, we will be better able to check our speech.  Is it agitated, restless, disquieted?  Or is it calm, deliberate and quietly rooted in Christ, who is our Way, Truth and Life?”

What they are talking about has similarities to secular meditation and mindfulness.  But it is quite different.  What the world calls meditation is just a preliminary step that Christians call “recollection” exercises.  It is necessary to bring our spirit together again in inner stillness if we want to be fully present to the Lord.

The aim of Christian mindfulness meditation is:

  • To make our minds familiar with the truths of God.
  • To dwell on those truths.
  • To apply the insights we receive to our lives.

One of the reasons that mindfulness is a popular today is that research shows that it helps to reduce stress and even pain.  Mindfulness can release the mind from an overgeneralized state.  It relieves the automatic brooding, avoidant mind.  Loving kindness meditation and kindness to one’s self also help to decrease the fears that come from feeling responsible when anything goes wrong.  Being overly responsible is an issue I have.

Abiding in the Lord has elements of this mindfulness: seeking to concentrate on the present moment.  “The day’s own trouble is sufficient for the day,” as Jesus said. But it goes beyond that to recognize that God is present in the here and now.  God is here.  God is now.

The condition to receive the presence of God is emptiness.  We must empty ourselves inwardly of all that is not God, including distraction, agitation, fear and nervous tension.  All must give way to the flow of quiet presence.

The person who is experienced with this kind of effort is not a person whose mind does not wander.  Everyone’s mind wanders.  The experienced person is someone who gets very used to beginning again and again and again.