The holidays can be some of the worst days of the year when your family is dealing with mental illness.  Not only is it TOO DARN DARK AND COLD, but it’s also a time when expectations of being Merry and Bright can seem especially hard for your family. The stress can make your loved one have more symptoms, and that can make you even more anxious.

Here are 14 tips to handling the holidays. Some ideas were suggested by an excellent book:  “When Someone You Love Has a Mental Illness: A Handbook for Family, Friends, and Caregivers” by Rebecca Woolis.  Others are things I’ve learned, often the hard way, over time.

1. Accept this ain’t gonna be pretty.  If you can get rid of your unrealistic expectations and be honest with your loved one and all the other family members, it will go better.
2. Help your loved one to keep her dignity. Provide a gift fund or another way to allow her to give gifts, so she won’t feel left out if she has no money. Scan every situation that’s coming up to make sure that your loved one won’t get unwelcomed attention.
3. Hey, it’s a good excuse to keep the unofficially crazy family members away.  You want a small gathering of your own family. Period. Otherwise it’s too stressful for your loved one.
4. Keep it short. Keep it informal.  If you have to do the Big Family Thing, let your loved one stay home. Big groups are too much for your loved one, especially when you have to Put On a Happy Face. And do your own celebration. 
5. If any extended family members really want to see your loved one, they know your phone number and where you live. Something private is better.  And try not to be bitter if no one asks. (There’s a reason God chose you to be this person’s lifeline. Not everyone can deal with this.)
6. The best answer I’ve found to the question … How is he? … is “About the same.” That’s tough enough for you to answer.  So please don’t put your loved one in a situation where he or she has to answer the question.
7. If you are having an event at your house, discuss it in advance with your loved one so he or she knows what to expect. Accept his limits.  Accept her choices. Acknowledge his feelings. 
8. If the person wants to be more visible during the holiday, brainstorm some things in advance.  What will he say when asked how he is? What will she do during the gathering? Is there a quiet place to retreat if needed?
9. Tell the person whose home you are visiting what you may need in advance.  Please don’t put yourself in a position … helping cook at someone else’s home, for example … where you can’t leave with little notice. If you are stuck, have someone … a sibling or spouse … available to get the person home if needed. 
10. All your great preparation may result in your loved one refusing to participate at the last minute. And that’s OK. 
11. If someone offers to help you with any holiday preparation, ACCEPT. 
12. When you make out your own Christmas wish list, see if you can ask for things that will reduce stress, whether it’s a massage, a day trip, a cleaning service or a gym membership. 
13. Eat right. Avoid the alcohol. Sleep. And write out a list of things that you are grateful for this year.
14. A nice thank you card to people who have been helpful to your loved one personally or professionally is always good.